Four Signs Your Parents Were Controlling
And How to Make Sure the Cycle Stops with You!
Hello Fellow Cycle Breaker-
In the book, Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, the author discusses how to free ourselves from controlling people in our lives. She offers a simple acronym - FOG to describe the three ways that narcissists use to control others.
FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She says that manipulative and controlling people will use these tools to gain control of you.
For those of us who grew up with narcissistic and controlling parents, I wonder how much of our own anxiety is attributed to how our parents controlled our behaviors?
Fear, Obligation and Guilt are effective ways to control someone, especially children. Maybe you are noticing that you are controlling your kiddos too much and you may not like how it feels. I didn’t either when I realized how controlling I was.
Four Signs Your Parents Were Controlling:
1. You Held Your Emotions In:
In order to please narcissistic and controlling parents, we learn to stuff our emotions for fear of upsetting them. We learn to mirror back what they want us to feel.
2. Your Parents Used Fear, Obligation & Guilt:
You were taught at a young age to respond to FOG by doing what was expected. You find yourself still feeling these feelings if you set boundaries with others.
3. You Never Learned How to Make Decisions on Your Own:
You learned how to follow others and you may attract controlling people. You never learned that your opinion, thoughts or beliefs were important.
4. Your Parents Used Shame, Force and Threats:
When we have controlling parents, we learn that we have to sacrifice our own identity to please them OR we learn to rebel in order to have a voice. When we don’t do what they want, they will use shame, force and threats to get us in line.
Cycle Breaker Tips:
Trust Yourself:
When we don’t trust ourselves, we tend to want to control our kids more, I know from experience:) Instead, trust yourself when making decisions and know that mistakes are how we learn to do better!
Give Choices:
A great way to break the cycle of control is to offer choices to your children. Allow them to make mistakes and know that they aren’t a reflection of you!
Focus on What You Can Control:
Focus on your response, your thoughts, your actions and your words. We can’t control others, so stop trying to. Focus on what you can control.
What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear from you, please comment below!
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