The Vicious Cycle of Self Abandonment
How We Abandon Ourselves in Exchange for Love and Approval
Hey Epic Cycle Breaker,
I just want to thank those of you who responded to my request last week and wrote back to me. I found out some wonderfully quirky things about you like:
You like funny animal memes from Etsy.
You’ve seen the movies Anchorman and Wall-E a million times and still enjoy them.
You appreciate knowing you aren’t alone with the feelings of being vulnerable with others and the need to people please.
I truly appreciate you writing back to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m writing to a big internet universe unsure of who reads the wacky things I write about.
Introducing The Self Abandonment Cycle
In my work, I talk to parents a lot about the idea of self abandonment and we review the Self Abandonment Cycle below. It’s an easy way to identify how we end up abandoning ourselves for the sake of love and approval from those around us including our children.
This is the cycle that we have the power to break for ourselves and our children, but it’s a process and doesn’t happen overnight. Wouldn’t that be awesome if it did!
A Real Life Example of Self Abandonment:
Jenny grew up with a self absorbed narcissistic mother who was obsessed with Jenny always being “the perfect daughter.”
Jenny learned at a young age that in order to gain her mother’s approval or to avoid her mother’s criticism, she could get good grades, always be polite and “be a good girl.” Her mother doted on Jenny throughout Jenny’s childhood.
Jenny began to hide her true feelings, likes, dislikes and opinions because she knew that her mother would disapprove no matter what so Jenny learned to reflect back to her mother what her mother wanted to hear from her, not what Jenny actually felt, thought, wanted or needed. (This is learned self abandonment FYI).
Jenny became a perfectionist, was at the top of class in high school and in college.
She was always striving to be the very best and would plummet into a pit of despair when she made a mistake or got a less than perfect grade.
Years later, Jenny married and became a mother. She sacrificed all of who she was to be the best wife and mother she could be but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get rid of the gnawing feeling in her gut that there was something wrong with her.
The self abandonment cycle showed up like this with Jenny:
She would sacrifice time with her friends or refuse to go to yoga (which she loved) because she felt guilty getting a sitter for her 3 year old daughter.
Then she began to feel resentful and angry as a mom because she was always giving and never getting her needs met.
She would become irritable with her daughter and would yell at her for just being a kid which made her feel guilty.
Then to make her daughter feel better and to deal with her own guilt, she would take her daughter out for ice cream to make up for yelling at her daughter and the cycle would start all over again.
Jenny was stuck in a vicious cycle of Self Abandonment with no way out.
She wanted to change but she didn’t know how because she had never been taught that she has a right to her own needs, wants, desires and opinions.
Are you stuck in a cycle of self abandonment like Jenny?
I was stuck too until I learned the tools to navigate my way out of the mess.
There is hope and you have the power to change.
If this story resonated with you and you want to learn skills to break this cycle for yourself and your children, do yourself a favor and jump on a call with me. I’ve been there and it sucks.
Believe me when I say that I have your back and I’ve been in your shoes.
Your voice matters and I’m here to listen if you ever need someone to hear you for real:)