How to Break the Cycle of Stuffing Emotions.
Why we should stop apologizing for crying or telling our children to stop crying.
A few months ago, I was grieving and processing some traumatizing childhood memories that I had repressed for 40 years.
(Yes I’m old, don’t judge:)
I was getting on a zoom call with my therapist and I couldn’t stop crying. My body ached with all of the pain that I had internalized for so long.
I tried to stop crying but I just couldn’t.
It was like I had opened the floodgates and the tears flowed freely from me. My therapist held the space for me to blubber my way through the session. Surprisingly, she didn’t try to stop my tears, comfort me or make the pain go away.
She gave me the gift of her presence…
At that moment, I realized I had always apologized for my tears. As if crying was an inconvenience or burden to another person.
This is what I learned in my childhood. That my tears were something I needed to apologize for. Those emotions which are a part of us, were to be ashamed of.
Crying is a healthy part of expressing ourselves, relieving stress and cleansing our bodies and yet why do we apologize for it?
I’ve noticed that in sessions with my clients or in mom groups when women get emotional and begin to cry it is almost inevitable that they will apologize for their tears. But why? What is there to be apologize for?
That day, I learned that apologizing for crying is equivalent to apologizing for showing my emotions. Emotions aren’t bad, they are information that we human.
I refuse to apologize for showing my emotions anymore. During that one hour session, I didn’t apologize once for crying.
If tears are a part of me telling the truth about how I am feeling, I am going to let them fall freely. I am not going to apologize for having emotions. That is messed up. If tears are a part of me sharing my true emotions with someone, then why would I ever apologize for telling the truth?
When we grow out of the person we once were, we learn that we must break the rules we used to live by.
My new rule is:
Tears are proof that I am trusting my own emotions and represent growth. Period. I refuse to apologize for sharing my authentic emotions.
How do you feel when you cry? Do you apologize for showing emotion?
Break the Cycle Tips:
Stop Apologizing for Being Honest: Next time you become emotional, try just feeling your emotions fully without apologizing. There’s no need to apologize for being honest.
Allow Your Child to Cry: It can become second nature to spout off - “stop crying!” when we’ve heard it a thousand times as kids. Instead, you can validate emotions by simply saying, “you are sad, it’s okay to cry when you are sad or upset.”
Accept Yourself as You Are: In dysfunctional families we learn that we are only love-able if we don’t show emotion. Learn that by showing your emotions, you are becoming whole!
Let me know how it goes and what you’ve discovered about yourself! Comment on this post, send me an email or set up a free consultation at the link below!
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