Perfectionism - the Symptoms, the Cause & the Cure...

Identify the root cause so you can deal with this baggage so your kids don't have to!

I stood there hoping everyone at my son’s 6th birthday party was having a great time. He was having a ball running around with his friends at a local pumpkin patch where we hosted his party.

I was surveying the food, hoping that everyone was enjoying it while crossing my fingers we would have enough pizza, veggies and cake for everyone to eat to their heart’s delight! You can’t tell by this picture, but I was a hot mess that day.

…the symptoms…

My heart was racing, feeling as though I was forgetting something important and feeling pressure to have it all go perfectly - I was cool and collected on the outside but freaking out inside my body. I felt a lot of anxiety as I projected my internal expectations into the external world.

Like a duck that floats across the top of the water while viciously pumping their little duck legs under the surface - my heart raced, my palms were sweating and I was having a near panic attack about making sure his party was indeed “perfect.”

My husband has jokingly called this my “Martha Stewart” trait - I have high expectations of how things should go and when they don’t go that very specific way, I feel like a freaking failure. 

It is a roller coaster of emotions that I project onto those around me and if you aren't stressed, just hang tight, I will make sure you are within five minutes or less!

My stress level was so high that day, I wasn’t enjoying myself…at all. In fact, I was barking orders at my husband to get the presents ready, put the candles on the cake and more - all because to me perfectionism was a way I had learned to cover up my insecurities and to believe that if I was “perfect” then I would be fully accepted.

…the cause…

“Perfectionism is a response to a shame-based and controlling home. The child mistakingly believes that she can avoid being shamed if she is perfect in her thinking and acting.” - Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families

I have learned a lot about how perfectionism manifests in us from unaddressed pain in our childhoods of not being fully accepted as we are. When we don’t address this pain, we unintentionally pass this coping trait onto our kids in the form of high expectations, low tolerance for mistakes and over reacting when mistakes are made.

…the cure…

In all of the studying I have done on this topic, I am now more convinced than ever that in order to heal perfectionism, we must first accept ourselves fully for who we are, not for what we do. Honestly, we can’t truly give our children unconditional love until we give this to ourselves.

Cycle Breaker Tips:

1. Accept Yourself:

Give yourself space and grace to make mistakes. Show your kids that you are love-able especially when you aren’t perfect and they are too!

2. Shift Your Inner Dialogue:

Shift your inner dialogue from “it has to be perfect” to “I will do my best and I accept myself no matter how it turns out!”

3. Make Mistakes on Purpose:

Spend this week intentionally making mistakes with the awareness that you are going to shift how you respond when mistakes happen. Doing this on purpose will bring more awareness to how you talk to yourself on a subconscious level so you can shift your inner dialogue.

I’d love to hear how this goes for you, please comment on this post! What questions do you have?

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