The Curse of the Double Bind
And How to Break the Cycle of Self Abandonment
What is a double bind?
Narcissists are masters at manipulating us into denying our wants, needs and feelings in order to gain approval from them. This process is called a DOUBLE BIND. It is a lose/lose situation for us, no matter what we choose - we are wrong.
In order to please the narcissist in your life, you must deny the TRUTH of your authentic feelings, needs and opinions or you risk that they will remove their attention, approval and acceptance of you. This is conditional love.
“People have two needs: Attachment and authenticity. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity.” ~ Dr. Gabor Mate
Here are a two examples of Double Binds:
1. Sara’s Roommate:
When Sara asked her roommate if she could finish her own dishes so Sara wouldn’t get stuck doing them for her, her roommate screamed at her:
“You are such a spoiled brat, with all I do for you, the least you can do for me is my dishes occasionally.” Then walked into her room and slammed the door.
THE DOUBLE BIND: Sara is forced to suck up her real feelings and comply with her roommates disrespectful behavior by doing her dishes for her OR create more stress for herself by pushing the topic only to bring up more verbal and emotional abuse from her roommate.
In both scenarios, Sara loses.
2. Gary’s Dad:
When Gary told his elderly father that he would prefer for his dad to not smoke cigarette’s in Gary’s home around his children when he visits, his dad became offended and yelled:
“You grew up this way, I’ve been smoking for 40 years and it didn’t impact you at all. I’m not going to put up with your crazy hippie rules. If you won’t let me smoke in your house like I’ve done a thousand times, I’m not coming to visit you and your family.”
DOUBLE BIND: Gary is forced to choose between a visit from his dad and his boundary of not having smoke in his house. He has to deny his authentic feelings about smoking around his children in order to please his father OR hold his boundary with the likelihood that his father won’t visit.
In both scenarios, Gary loses.
The Curse of the Double Bind
Getting caught in this web of narcissistic manipulation can be confusing, maddening and debilitating. Healthy relationships DO NOT require you to abandon your thoughts, needs and feelings in order to be in a relationship.
Narcissistic relationships do.
When a narcissist engages in a Double Bind, they remove the relationship (which is the part we want) in exchange for what they want to do (which is the part we don’t want such as disrespectful, abusive behavior).
In order to “please” them, we must DENY ourselves.
So how do we get out of insane this mess and stay connected to ourselves while detaching from the narcissist?
Check out my Cycle Breaker Tips below:
1. Become Aware of It When it Happens:
Pay attention to your conversations with your narcissistic parent or ex and check in with how often they remove “approval” or “love” when/if you don’t reflect back to them exactly what they want or expect.
2. Get Support for Yourself:
Seek out support groups, a seasoned therapist or coach (like me!) who understands narcissistic abuse. Learning NOT to abandon ourselves is a huge undertaking and is at the core of codependent behavior.
3. Set Appropriate Boundaries:
Trust yourself! Your gut is CORRECT, you are NOT CRAZY, you are dealing with crazy making behavior. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing your needs, wants, feelings or truth in order to not ruffle feathers - you are likely in a toxic relationship.
Set appropriate boundaries and make clear statements like these:
“I have a right to my feelings and opinion.”
“Just because you disagree doesn’t mean I am wrong.”
“We can agree to disagree.”
Hope these help!
Stay tuned for more information about my Cycle Breaker Warrior Program - Where I will walk you step by step through the process of healing from Self Abandonment, Integrating your true thoughts, needs and wants and Individuating Your True Self with The Cycle Breaker Blueprint!
Set up a free consultation below:
Your Biggest Fan,
WOW I wish I new and understood this 40 yrs ago. I allowed to many people to treat me bad.
I don't today though.
THANK YOU that was Great