The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
The Four Stages of Soul Murder
“[Narcissistic abuse] It is a huge trauma made out of a million tiny shocks that shatter the memory, erode the self and break your life into fragments. It’s psychological terrorism at its worst and confusing as hell at its best.” - Ashida Arabi
For anyone who has experienced the maddening soul obliteration that is narcissistic abuse - I hear you, I see you and I get it.
It took me years of being disregarded, minimized and overlooked to understand that I was dealing with narcissistic abuse in my own family. Every time I would have an issue or confront what was happening, I was discarded and then eventually the hoovering would begin. It is complete mayhem to make sense of because the issues never got resolved and yet I was manipulated back into the fold as if they had.
Below are the four stages of what I call Soul Murder:
1. Idealize:
In this stage, also known as the “Love Bombing Stage” - the narcissist will admire you and spoil you with attention and admiration.
They will shower you with gifts, surprises and mirror to you everything you’ve been longing for - love, acceptance, companionship and romance.
You may feel: loved, accepted, special, secure, safe, seen, important, valuable.
2. Devalue:
In stage two - the narcissist will begin to dismantle you piece by piece by putting you down, doubting your perceptions and becoming pre-occupied with something or someone else.
You may feel: insecure, confused, abandoned, full of self doubt or bad about yourself.
3. Discard:
Stage three is all about discarding you - showing you how worthless you by dumping you or ghosting you. They will likely have already started to prime another loving individual to be their new supply.
You may feel: confused, worthless, insecure, obsessed, unsure of yourself, full of doubt, unsure of what you did wrong, second guessing your every move.
4. Hoover:
Stage four is about getting you back into the cycle by “sucking”you in with a random text, email, phone call - claiming to miss you, still love you and letting you know they are thinking about you.
You may feel: confused, special, excited to hear from them, curious to know what changed, like you want them back.
***This is where the narcissist pulls you back in to start the abuse cycle over.
As you may have noticed in each of these stages - CONFUSION is a key element in how you may be feeling because their ACTIONS and WORDS do not match. They give mixed messages which means that they may tell you that you are “the most wonderful person in the world” in the IDEALIZE stage and then ghost you for a date in the DISCARD stage. You are constantly getting the message “I love you” but “I don’t want you” and your mind, body and spirit are trying to make sense of what the truth is.
Cycle Breaker Tips:
1. Awareness:
Become aware of the abuse cycle and pay attention to what stage you are currently in with the narcissist in your life.
2. Connect with Others:
Seek out support groups and a seasoned therapist who understands narcissistic abuse and friends who understand. Do NOT let the narcissist isolate you!
3. Stop Gaslighting Yourself:
Trust yourself! Your gut is CORRECT, you are NOT CRAZY, you are dealing with crazy making behavior. Educate yourself on Narcissistic Abuse and learn how to heal so you can leave and move on safely.
Stay tuned for my next post on Trauma Bonding….
Thanks so much for laying it out like this. Labeling the emotions on the receiving end gives a lot of clarity.
Really helpfully outlined and explained - complete with a deep awareness of accompanying feelings. Greatly appreciate this work!