This is Cycle Breaker Parenting
How to Validate Your Child's Experience and Feelings
Hey you.
I wanted to share a moment I had the other night with my oldest son, Mateo who just turned 8. He had his first sleepover at his friends house on Saturday night (woohoo, sleepovers are a thing now!) and they were up until midnight. Soooo late for him!
On Sunday, he was extra cranky, sensitive and kind of a basket case at moments. He took a nap in the afternoon which helped but he still slid into the dinner hour with crankiness looming over him.
We had been patient and understanding all day and we did our best to give him our empathy and understanding as he had a few meltdowns and was just unhappy. God knows, I’m a hot mess when I’m tired so he comes by it naturally.
At the dinner table that night he was complaining about not wanting to eat his chicken which he usually loves, so it was a bit unusual. He wouldn’t even try it, again usual. We insisted that he just a take a bite and if he didn’t like it, then we would figure out a substitute.
He refused.
In an attempt to avoid a power struggle and to lighten the mood we shifted the conversation to the fact that we had pumpkin pie in the fridge for dessert and that he could have some if he ate some chicken.
He immediately shut down and ran to his room.
By the time I got to his room to check on him, he was sobbing into his pillow. “Bud, what’s wrong?” I said as I snuggled up to comfort him.
“You all were making fun of me and now I’m not going to get dessert” he blubbered through his tears. My heart broke. Crap, that’s not at all the message I wanted him to get from our attempt to avoid a power struggle.
“Oh bud, you felt like we were making fun you?” I said with a curious tone.
“Yes you were making fun of me” he replied.
Of course in my mind, I wasn’t making fun of him, but that’s not what mattered in that moment.
At that point, rather than trying to convince him that his perception was wrong or that he was too sensitive (which is what dysfunctional families do) I let his experience be what it was and then took the next step of taking responsibility for MY actions.
“Oh bud, I’m so sorry, we didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. We were trying to lighten the mood and we didn’t do it in the right way. We were joking around and would never want you to feel like we were making fun of you” I said as I wiped his tears away.
We cuddled for a few more minutes. Even though he was so tired, his feelings were real. Very real to him and that matters. We brainstormed other options for protein since he didn’t want to eat the chicken and agreed on a solution.
After a few minutes we walked into the kitchen together. I got a bowl for him with yogurt and granola (the agree upon substitute) and we sat back down at the table with the rest of the family. I explained to my husband and my mother-in-law (who was over for dinner) how Mateo felt hurt by our words and actions. They both apologized and took responsibility for what they said offering him hugs and support. No one tried to change his feelings or defend their actions. We just took responsibility, apologized and moved on.
This my friends is what it means to break cycles of family dysfunction.
It would’ve been “easy and justifiable” for me to blow off my son’s feelings as overly dramatic or too sensitive, especially since he was so exhausted.
It really doesn’t matter if we are tired or not…it is important to know that our feelings matter and that we matter.
After we finished eating dinner that night, we all enjoyed our own piece of pumpkin pie, especially Mateo;)
Just remember that this journey isn’t linear. There’s no one right way to do it. Just listen to your intuition more than your baggage and you’ll find your way.
The tools I used that night are the same tools I teach my clients to help them have breakthroughs in their own families. These tools work, no matter what you background is. If you want to learn more, click HERE to set up a free consultation. It might just be the transformation you’ve been waiting for!
Enough for now, more to come,
Evelyn Rae
