Three Reasons Why It's So Hard to Detach From a Narcissist
And a Simple Mantra to Help You Let Go of What You Can't Control
Toxic Relationships Damage Us From the Inside Out
Narcissists are masters at manipulating us into denying our wants, needs and feelings in order to gain approval from them. This is how you might want to start thinking about the narcissist in your life:
If you lived in a home with toxic mold growing in the walls and air vents, you would likely show physical symptoms of illness even if you couldn’t see the mold.
This is also true for Narcissistic relationships.
You may not “see” the abuse, but you feel it and it makes you emotionally ill in the form of self doubt, self criticism, people pleasing, perfectionism, controlling and rigid thinking.
The Trauma Bond and The NPD Abuse Cycle can make it difficult to DETACH. In addition to those, here are three reasons WHY it can be so difficult:
1. You Feel Responsible for the Abuse:
Narcissists are notorious for shifting the blame back to you to deflect accountability for their behavior. Blame-Shifting is a tool used to manipulate the victim into feeling responsible for the abuse.
When we’ve been groomed by this kind of manipulative behavior, we learn to:
Blame ourselves for the actions of the narcissist.
One of the most difficult things to understand about narcissistic abuse is that is dismantles us from the inside out. Narcissists take up space inside of us - they get into our heads, our thoughts are poisoned with their words and views of us. They invade the very person we believe ourselves to be and we become confused as to who we really are.
***This makes it extremely difficult to DETACH from their behavior because we have been taught to be RESPONSIBLE for their behavior.
2. It Feels So Personal:
It’s important to remember that it’s NOT Personal. It’s a Personality Disorder.
The attacks, the abuse, the gaslighting - it all feels like a personal attack on who we are but it is actually an expression of who the narcissist is.
If we believe we have control over how the narcissist views us, we will get stuck in the loop of trying to rationalize, explain, defend and change everything about ourselves to please them in hopes that they will understand and change their behavior.
***This keeps us from DETACHING because we haven’t accepted that we are powerless to this emotional disease of dysfunction.
3. You Want to Have a Healthy Relationship With Them:
Accepting that someone in your life is a Narcissist is a process and can feel like you are giving up on the person or relationship.
Having hope that someday they will change or get it can keep us stuck in a vicious loop of disappointment.
Narcissists are incapable of seeing how they impact others, therefore they aren’t able to have the awareness it takes to be responsible for and change their behavior for other people.
***Lack of acceptance can make it much more difficult to DETACH because we want to have hope that people can change and do better next time. This is a healthy way to view most relationships but in Narcissistic relationships, this can keep us trapped because the hope for change does not create the change we long for.
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Below are The 3 C's of Al-Anon to help you remove any blame you might be feeling from the Narcissist in your life:
"You didn't CAUSE, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it"
This is a simple and yet powerful mantra which I hope can help you navigate your recovery and relationship with a narcissist in your life with more grace for yourself.
When you are struggling to make sense of your world, say this mantra to yourself and set appropriate boundaries to heal. There is NOTHING you can do to fix, help or change them. Understanding this concept can be scary, freeing and filled with uncertainty.
If you would like support to help you navigate this process as you heal, set up a free consultation with me. You don’t have to go through this process alone!
