Three Ways to Enforce Healthy Boundaries Without Shame
It's Easier Than You Might Think!
🤩Hey there Badass Cycle Breaker!🤩
One of the things I LOVE teaching parents is how to set and enforce healthy boundaries without shame.
It’s actually not nearly as complicated as you might think. But when we are raised in dysfunctional homes, we were likely guilt tripped, shamed or punished when we tried to set boundaries for ourselves as children so learning how to set boundaries with our own children can sometimes feel like learning a foreign language.
How to Set Boundaries Without Being a Doormat or a Hardass
So many of us struggle with being a doormat (too flexible) when setting boundaries with our kids, then feeling guilty or angry that they aren’t respecting our boundaries and then going to the other extreme of being a hardass (too rigid). Sound familiar? Below are Three Tips to Break this Cycle from a module in my Parent Makeover Program .
Tips, Tricks & Hacks to Break this Cycle:
1. Remember that Your Child is NOT Their Behavior
In order to break the shame cycle, you MUST separate out your child’s misbehavior from the feeling driving the behavior, otherwise you will likely just be avoiding the shame yourself by making your child feel shame for their behavior.
You can say this:
“It’s okay to be ANGRY (feeling) and it’s not okay to HIT (behavior). How can you show your anger without hitting your brother?”
2. Set Boundaries According to Your Values
When setting a boundary, it’s much more effective to know the value you want to honor by setting boundaries then problem solve WITH your child to find a solution.
You can say this:
“Our family values respectful communication, I’m happy to listen when your voice is calm like mine.” (IMPORTANT: Don’t be a smart ass when saying this, it will absolutely backfire!)
3. You Don’t Need to Be an Ass to Be Assertive
Avoid going to extremes or being too rigid (like a "doormat" or "hardass" with your boundaries). Stick with being both kind and firm at the same time. Use AND instead of BUT to make this even more effective!
You can say this:
“I understand that you want to keep watching your tv show AND it’s time for dinner. Would you like me to turn off the tv, or would you like to do it?”
***These epic tips and SO much more are in my Stop the Trauma Drama - Parent Makeover Program. If we are going to be Cycle Breakers, we have to learn how to address our baggage head on and learn new skills while developing new patterns. This is my mission in life…would you like to know how you can join me below?
🌟Special Invitation for Parents Who Are Experiencing Trauma Drama🌟
***Join me for a FREE 50 Minute Parent Coaching Session (only 10 spots available)
***Offer expires on December 19th, only 2 weeks left to claim your FREE session!
During our 50 minute session together, we will work together to understand EXACTLY how:
Your past baggage is impacting your present parenting.
Uncover hidden challenges keeping you stuck in toxic cycles with your kids.
Create a plan to break through dysfunctional patterns so you can create an emotionally healthy legacy for yourself and your children!
Upcoming Events:
*Register Today for The Cycle Breaker Reparenting Summit - Starting on Monday 12/9!*
You will have an opportunity to learn from some of the most transformational speakers who will be teaching us all how to reparent ourselves and heal from a dysfunctional upbringing!
My talk will go LIVE on Wednesday 12/11- I will be sharing playful parenting tips for your kids and inner child:)
*Popup Parenting Workshop Tomorrow!*
Are you free tomorrow at 12pm CST?
Yes? Sweet, then join me for a SPECIAL workshop where I will be sharing one my most valuable cheatsheets -Defiance Defusing Scripts - Ten Magical Phrases to Transform Power Struggles into Problem Solving Activities!
Want to Improve Your Parenting While Doing the Dishes or Folding Laundry?
For those of you who know me, know that I HATE two household chores more than anything on this green earth….and those two things are yep you guessed it: dishes and laundry.
So why not combine BORING household chores with something that can actually help you improve your parenting skills?
I’ve got just the solution! Two year ago…on December 14th, 2022 to be exact, I was on a podcast called Sh!t You Don’t Want to Talk About with Jen Junod. We titled it: Healing in Parenting with Evie Vieira. (Back then I went by Evie, not Evelyn:)
On the podcast, we discuss how generational trauma gets passed on even when we don’t want it to and I explain how we can approach parenting without our baggage getting in the way. We talk about how to address parenting in a shame-free way and how to understand the NEED driving the behavior of your child.
Go ahead and click the button below to listen!
Well, I hope I get to see you on a Stop the Trauma Drama Call soon or see you in the workshop tomorrow - it’s going to be a lot of fun and you are going to learn so much!
Remember, don’t allow where you’ve come from to determine where you are going! You deserve more and so do your kids:) Book your free session below!
Cheers to Your Badassery,
Evelyn
