Your Dismantled Sense of Self
Six Ways Narcissistic Parents Dismantle Their Children From the Inside Out
Photo by Stefano Pollio on Unsplash
"Narcissistic abuse is unlike anything else you've probably ever experienced unless you've had a narcissistic parent. It is a huge trauma made out of a million tiny shocks that shatter the memory, erode the self and break your life into fragments. It's psychological terrorism at its worst and confusing as hell at its best." - Shahida Arabi from POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse
Dismantled: to disconnect the pieces of; to destroy the integrity or functioning of.
Sense of Self: a collection of beliefs about who you are, what you think, want and believe.
In a nutshell, the best way I know how to describe narcissistic abuse is to combine the above two descriptions as: the process of disconnecting the pieces of; destroying the integrity or functioning of your sense of who you are, what you think, want and believe.
It's almost like narcissists *need* to live on the parts of us that no one can see. They infiltrate our mind, our feelings, our instincts and create a space inside us that is void of who we truly are.
This is why I believe the word "dismantled" is so powerful because that has been my experience in my own life and the experience of others I have talked with and read about.
The Six Parts of You
In my work with my clients, I take them through a process of learning about the six parts of them that become dismantled by their narcissistic parent.
These six parts are all a part of our identity and who we believe ourselves to be. The six parts are your: Identity, Intuition, Internal Story, Independence, Individuality and Interpersonal Relationships.
When we are raised by a narcissistic parent, these areas are greatly impacted by their abusive behavior.
I will break each one down for you:
#1 Your Identity:
You identity may have been greatly impacted by the abusive nature of your narcissistic parent. Who you believe yourself to be, what you like, dislike, etc may have been shaped to some degree by a controlling parent.
#2 Your Intuition:
We tend to doubt ourselves and blame ourselves for the abusive behavior we have endured because we were made to feel responsible for the feelings and actions of our emotionally immature parents. When this happens (and there’s a ton of gaslighting), we learn to ignore our intuition and disregard our feelings.
#3 Your Internal Story:
Do you have a mean inner critic that berates you when you make a mistake? I did too up until about two years ago when I did a deep dive into healing from this insidious abuse. They get in your head and the abuse continues even if you never see them or they’ve passed away.
#4 Your Independence:
Since we didn’t have emotionally mature parents to rely upon for stability, we learned to be ultra-independent and self sufficient. Do you have a hard time asking for help and when you do, do you feel like a burden? This can stem from having an emotionally unavailable parent who makes you feel guilty for having needs.
#5. Your Individuality:
Narcissistic homes do not allow for individuation to take place which allows for children to grow up and to take on their own personal identity and uniqueness. Because narcissistic families are enmeshed which means boundaries don’t exist, each family member is put into a role to play to fulfill the needs of the overall family system.
#6. Your Interpersonal Relationships:
Narcissistic parents might use triangulation, a smear campaign, scapegoating, flying monkeys, and more to manipulate other people around us that can greatly impact our relationships with other people. They might actually sabotage your relationships on purpose to feed their own need for attention.
I hope this summary has been helpful. There is hope, it is possible to heal from this type of insidious abuse. I get it and I’ve been there. If you are struggling and you would like to finally be free from the pain, set up a free consultation with me.
Your transformation might just be one click away…
